Effluent community needs to redraw its pooprint

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by admin on June 24, 2010

The Editor,

Who would have thought that one of the greenest and wealthiest ‘hoods in Canada is struggling with brown matter. As our fearless leader, Vincent Black Rhino, once said while digging up a sceptic bed: “What eventually rises to the surface is what was originally flushed down the pipes.”

I think of these issues once or twice a day, depending on my diet, as I sit and listen to the growling wisdom deep in my bowels, and just this morning during one of these moments soon after my yogurt, flax seed and granola breakfast, the idea dawned on me.

What we need in this fine community is an index of usage, or more precisely, to mirror the eco-movement’s index,  a pooprint.  I can see it now, poster contests in the primary schools of our fair community, kids exploring all shades of brown and things that float and sink, underscoring the slogan: How Big is Your Pooprint.

It will not be an easy task to establish the formula, the variables being numerous and politically sensitive. The risk of bowel-movement profiling must be avoided at all costs: just imagine the potentially explosive conclusions pitting fiber-eating vegans against steak and potato constituents

However, I am confident that within our highly-educated, fit, and effluent community, members will step forward and bring to the bowl their expertise from such diverse fields as economics, waste management, accounting, urban planning, nutrition, conflict resolution, relief and aid work, community development, housekeeping, lawn maintenance, real-estate development, ethics, constitutional and human-rights law, plumbers, municipal sceptic and building inspectors of all orientations, environmental and ecological workers, proctology, academics of all stripes, armchair philosophers, poets, songwriters and artists, and the army of highly-qualified civil servants dotting our beautiful landscape.

This organic brown matter may very well be the binding agent needed to bring this community together – forget green, I vote for brown. There must be some federal money out there for such an initiative, just ask Larry, Johnny  and Stevo the next time they drive through Old Chelsea in their highly-protected, conservatively-priced motorcade on their way to Harrington Lake for a late-night skinny dip and fudge bar.

I, like most children, enjoy a good fairy tale, especially one written from exotic far-away places. What this community needs is  a new narrative, a new tale, A Tale of Two Toilets, because we are all connected by what flows through us.

N.B. Political contributions to the Black Rhino Front must be made in unmarked brown envelopes; all other contributions will be assessed by our ethics committee chaired by my 15-month-old daughter and a few friends from her playgroup.

Jacques Legault, B.P., R.S.V.P., P.S., B.S.

Deputy Secretary-General