Gadgets of the rich and humourous

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by admin on October 14, 2009

Whenever I get down and depressed I haul out the latest catalogue from Hammacher-Schlemmer, the Sear’s Catalogue for the uber-affluent.

Please don’t

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misunderstand. I’m a long way from qualifying as an HS regular. I consider myself to be part of the government tax-assessed poor. But, I once ordered a pair of gloves ($60) on assurance they were self warming. They weren’t and I got into a bit of a maelstrom trying to get my money back from this US company. It finally came and, as an unexpected bonus, I was placed on their mailing list, and catalogues started coming in.

One thing these catalogues have taught me is that you can’t remain depressed when one reads of all the follies that are dangled in front of the truly affluent. There are simply too many preposterous gadgets being flogged to do anything but first giggle, then guffaw.
Imagine forking out $1,600 for a transparent canoe made of the same stuff as goes into fighter plane cockpit canopies. With this it’s possible, for example, for Mr & Mrs. Megabucks to gaze down on their son, busy popping about on his underwater pogo stick ($60).

If Mr. M is tired of water play he can drop $7,000

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on a two-seater, canary-coloured, three-wheeled gasoline engine scooter coupe which will wheel the over-cashed couple at 30mph anywhere within a 100-mile radius. Comes with AT, PB, PS, etc.

When he gets home from riding or paddling he can retreat to his palatial den where the centrepiece is an $11,000 Wurlitzer replica 1956 CD jukebox.

As the music soothes, he can relax with his faithful companion Tonto, a canine so old he has to use a $200 folding three-step ramp/stairway to get up on his master’s couch. Mr. M. can rest easy should Tonto vacate the premises permanently. He has sent a cotton swab with DNA sample taken from T’s inside cheek off to a lab where, for a piffling $60, the DNA sample revealed T’s mixed breed heritage, ensuring a replacement pet can be duplicated when needed.

Meanwhile Mrs. M. is engaged in more mundane matters. Perched in her palatial powder room, she busies herself hunting down skin blemishes and using her $200 phototherapy unit to blast her acne with three-minute bursts of UV light. Between bursts she refreshes herself with a belt of oxygen from her $300 portable oxygen bar. Then she turns to her ultrasonic vibrating facial brush ($130) to smooth out those fine lines and wrinkles that come from

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staring at hard-to-read bank statement typefaces.

Young Master M. has put his time to good use. When not peering through the keyhole of the upstairs maid’s bedroom, shirt pocket-size camcorder ($300) at the ready, he is prepared (if she decides to use her day off swimming in the indoor swimming pool) he has his underwater headband camera ($100) and underwater lamp ($70) for further peeper patrolling.

If his advances are spurned, he is prepared to wreak vengeance with his remote controlled battery-driven black widow spider ($60) look alike. It has two motors that allow it to spin around and have the legs twitch as you control it from 25 feet away.

By the way, did I mention that producing an endless list of flamboyant gadgets for the rich is laughter -provoking? I did? Did I also mention that it also leaves me eventually with a bitter taste (I’m pretty sure it’s envy)? I didn’t?

Well, be forewarned. It does.