By Art Mantell

This is one of the most difficult editorials I have ever attempted.

Oh, not because of the subject material: Is Bill Gates and his golden coven (of the one per cent of the population that holds 99 per cent of the world’s resources) heading for one world domination?

Nope, it’s because I am being driven bonkers by a pair of surgical devices that have been rammed up my nose, then inflated, to stop a nosebleed that began four days ago that resulted in two trips to our (believe me) truly invaluable Wakefield hospital.

I look something like a bearded walrus thanks to my two tusks. I write this with 13 hours to wait before their removal. Or not, since I bled once on Saturday afternoon when a jet of blood suddenly cascaded down my sweater front.

Kitty, the wife, managed to get it stopped by the usual technique: press hard with cold application while holding head down. This worked briefly until I had a sudden attack of diarrhea. I was fountaining from both ends.

This called for a trip to Wakefield, where medicos stuffed surgical gauze into the two orifices and sent me home. I no sooner got through the front door when another red tide developed. Back to the hospital.

This time, a second doctor took what appeared to be a gauze- covered bag attached by tubing to a syringe and proceeded to inflate the first via the second. The other nostril was also inflated, giving me the biggest nose of my life. I could have competed with the late Jimmy Durante, whose schnozz was a running show-business joke.

Once the tubes were taped to my face, I was put on a hospital bed for overnight observation. My own observation is that there’s one swell hospital staff on duty and this community is truly lucky.

The next two days have been spent breathing through my mouth and avoiding toilet visits, and it seems to be working.  At about 1 p.m. on Tuesday (Low Down deadline day) I would have been flat-faced with this article ready for the printer.

I had planned to write my thoughts on one world government and how it seems to be an onrushing force what with all the consolidations under way.

Warren Buffett, the fourth-richest man in the world, has given up small deals. He now buys entire railroads and companies like Heinz instead of stock trading.

Bill Gates, the third-richest man in the world, is to get Buffett’s fortune on death and add to his world-wide foundation which some day will probably take control over entire African nation in the name of charity.

And there was going to be some ink spilled on Maurice Strong, the Oak Lake, Man. boy wonder who has been the power behind the United Nations and the mastermind for one world government. He’s been hiding out in China for decades now, and God knows what he’s up to.

Anyway, instead of profound political posturing on the golden ones, we have ramblings about my nose. Sorry about that.