Low Down dishes up leads for readers to folly

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by admin on April 6, 2011

By Robert Rooney

What a delight it was, this past April Fool’s Day, to open the pages of your esteemed publication and discover the folly contained therein. Is it any wonder you win all those community newspaper awards when we give you such material to work with.

One story, in particular, caught my eye – the sad tale of the Old Chelsea ski shop that was losing business due to a bylaw restricting its use of signage and the shocking confusion this caused when the citizenry couldn’t tell whether it was a ski shop or a restaurant.

Then it hit me. There is a simple solution to the myriad problems plaguing our communities. Let’s force all Old Chelsea businesses to relocate to the new light industrial park. These businesses are loved and respected by their customers – when they can find them, of course – and would be welcomed with open arms by the good citizens of Wakefield.

Signage could still be a problem. After all, none of us want our view of the landscape blighted by signs as we speed past on our newly-minted highway extension.

But local artists can be commissioned to create them out of 100 per cent compostable materials and, in a unique expression of the regard in which we are held by our local politicians, these signs could be made to blend in with the environment so that you’d barely notice them. It goes without saying, of course, that signs in French would blend in 50 per cent better than those in English.

Meanwhile, the newly-vacated businesses of Old Chelsea would all be turned into public latrines with legislation mandating that residents of the MRC can only relieve themselves in these latrines on pain of a $1,000 penalty. The bear in the woods would be exempt, but only as long as it confined its business to NCC property. And how grateful we would all be for that highway extension whenever we were caught short. Remember, with an aging population, more of us are likely to be caught short more often.

Would the citizens of Old Chelsea fight this proposal? Personally, I think they would embrace a simpler life. No longer would they stand around confounded and wonder: “Is this a restaurant or a ski shop?” Because everything would be a latrine. Dumping our crap downriver would make us all more content, and the closer to Ottawa we dump it, the happier we’d make the entire country.

An additional benefit is the new jobs this plan would create. Well, someone has to clean out the latrines, and I read recently that a former senator may soon be seeking gainful employment.

Judging by the news in your publication, it won’t be long before several municipal politicians could well be lining up behind him in the job queue.

 

Robert Rooney is a filmmaker who lives in Lac-des-Loups, Quebec.